how quickly things go south

I was just thinking yesterday how I never have anything interesting to put in these blog posts anymore, except for stupid list updates. I made a comment about how perhaps no news is good news. But in reality, no news is like the most boring thing of all time. I went to one of those Pampered Chef parties this weekend and I literally had jack to tell my friend whom I haven't seen or even talked to in months. Oddly enough, I'm not even bored. I always have 3948203 projects and social events going on and barely find enough time to myself. But meanwhile, I find that many of my friends have really fun things to tell people: kids in school, how it feels to be pregnant, book sales, grad school, new job, new boyfriend, new pet, new home, and various other life successes. My life is at a shocking standstill. And what's worse is that I feel like I'm moving, but just going absolutely nowhere. I'm totally one of those wind-up toys that hit a wall and continue to march in place. So much energy and drive to put into something, but that 'something' doesn't exist.

Problem number one is definitely my job. I keep doing and doing and I feel like I'll never get anywhere. I will always keep trying and have hope, but each day, I'm not going to lie, that hope dies a little. And the big question looms: how much longer do I keep trying?

Problem number two is definitely relationships. Despite the fact that I've told myself and various others countless numbers of times: being single is so much better than being in a shitty relationship...sometimes I catch myself remembering that, even in a shitty relationship, I could at least deceive myself into thinking that I was loved. Being loved by someone [romantically of course] is officially the one thing you really need to feel complete. I think I've learned that now. And worse yet, even feeling fake loved seems to be a better alternative to knowing you've got no one. It's all in the validation. Why do so many people stick with someone who is wrong for them? Because loneliness really blows, that's why. Well, I guess I'm just a strong person. Had I been any weaker, and knowing the lonely alternative, I'm sure I would've just stuck with the whole John situation, even knowing that he didn't really care about me at all. I could always trick myself into thinking he did. I don't know, perhaps it's knowing that he was able to jump right into a "successful" relationship so easily and never got to feel an ounce of loneliness. Then having that comparison up in my face five days a week...wow, it does wonders for my ego and sense of fairness in the world.

In any case, someone needs to throw me a bone here. I'm so sick of the limbo period. I'm sick of not having anything fun and new to enjoy, and yes, I admit it, to tell people about. I'm sick of feeling like my life is a total waste of space. And I'm also sick of feeling sick about all of this. I hate whiny, woe-is-me, pathetic Katie...she's the worst! But at least it's more interesting than lame list updates.