I was just thinking yesterday how I never have anything interesting to put in these blog posts anymore, except for stupid list updates. I made a comment about how perhaps no news is good news. But in reality, no news is like the most boring thing of all time. I went to one of those Pampered Chef parties this weekend and I literally had jack to tell my friend whom I haven't seen or even talked to in months. Oddly enough, I'm not even bored. I always have 3948203 projects and social events going on and barely find enough time to myself. But meanwhile, I find that many of my friends have really fun things to tell people: kids in school, how it feels to be pregnant, book sales, grad school, new job, new boyfriend, new pet, new home, and various other life successes. My life is at a shocking standstill. And what's worse is that I feel like I'm moving, but just going absolutely nowhere. I'm totally one of those wind-up toys that hit a wall and continue to march in place. So much energy and drive to put into something, but that 'something' doesn't exist.
Problem number one is definitely my job. I keep doing and doing and I feel like I'll never get anywhere. I will always keep trying and have hope, but each day, I'm not going to lie, that hope dies a little. And the big question looms: how much longer do I keep trying?
Problem number two is definitely relationships. Despite the fact that I've told myself and various others countless numbers of times: being single is so much better than being in a shitty relationship...sometimes I catch myself remembering that, even in a shitty relationship, I could at least deceive myself into thinking that I was loved. Being loved by someone [romantically of course] is officially the one thing you really need to feel complete. I think I've learned that now. And worse yet, even feeling fake loved seems to be a better alternative to knowing you've got no one. It's all in the validation. Why do so many people stick with someone who is wrong for them? Because loneliness really blows, that's why. Well, I guess I'm just a strong person. Had I been any weaker, and knowing the lonely alternative, I'm sure I would've just stuck with the whole John situation, even knowing that he didn't really care about me at all. I could always trick myself into thinking he did. I don't know, perhaps it's knowing that he was able to jump right into a "successful" relationship so easily and never got to feel an ounce of loneliness. Then having that comparison up in my face five days a week...wow, it does wonders for my ego and sense of fairness in the world.
In any case, someone needs to throw me a bone here. I'm so sick of the limbo period. I'm sick of not having anything fun and new to enjoy, and yes, I admit it, to tell people about. I'm sick of feeling like my life is a total waste of space. And I'm also sick of feeling sick about all of this. I hate whiny, woe-is-me, pathetic Katie...she's the worst! But at least it's more interesting than lame list updates.
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sad. Show all posts
Monday, December 1, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
wordclouds drifting by...
On Pop Candy today, I discovered this little gem of a site: Wordle! where you can type in some text and finagle a cute little "word cloud". Now while the site is pretty fun, being a graphic designer, I find myself a little constricted by its randomness. So I busted out my own typography skills this afternoon and created my own cloud:
The significance of this little set of lyrics comes out of my thoughts from yesterday whilst listening to this Fiona Apple tune...its uncanny relation to a certain ex bf. The words couldn't be more true.
The significance of this little set of lyrics comes out of my thoughts from yesterday whilst listening to this Fiona Apple tune...its uncanny relation to a certain ex bf. The words couldn't be more true.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Changing of the moods
It's yet another Rainy Days Thursdays always gettin' me down. At least it isn't 39 outside! I'm just not at my best this week. I find myself walking through this mucky daze, waiting for things to pick up. Maybe it's just the weather, but I was walking back to work at lunch like, get out of this mood, seriously!
#87 - Last night SYTYCD featured an adorable young male dancer by the name of Cooper Zamorano who danced to this gorgeous song...lyrics not on the internet, anywhere. Until this morning of course, as everyone else watching last night was enamored too. "In Your Eyes" by Craig Lyons: An artist who has been featured in dancers' auditions three times now! In fact, Cooper's performance is already up on Craig Lyons' myspace. So at this point, the guy's made in the shade, thank you SYTYCD! His music is way beautiful too. And although mellow and moody, it's just what I needed to lift my spirits. Some of the dissonance in his melodies reminds me of Seal. It's weird, but true. [addition ed. note: very Robbie Williams too]
What's funny is that I was at Barnes last night and I must've listened to a dozen newish albums that have come out, but just couldn't bring myself to buy any of them. Maybe due to sticker shock, perhaps because there are like 398420342 albums due out this summer. I do really like the new ones from Death Cab, REM, and The Futureheads and wouldn't mind owning them (and actually PAYING for them). I purchased the new Portishead through itunes, but "acquired" the new Weezer album here at work. I'm still on the fence about Aimee Mann's new album. And then My Morning Jacket and Coldplay come out in like two seconds...very excited about those two. Anyway, I digress. I'm sure I'll slink back into my cesspool of whatnot soon enough, but for now, here's to the joy that new artists, new albums, and the new season of SYTYCD brings me.
#87 - Last night SYTYCD featured an adorable young male dancer by the name of Cooper Zamorano who danced to this gorgeous song...lyrics not on the internet, anywhere. Until this morning of course, as everyone else watching last night was enamored too. "In Your Eyes" by Craig Lyons: An artist who has been featured in dancers' auditions three times now! In fact, Cooper's performance is already up on Craig Lyons' myspace. So at this point, the guy's made in the shade, thank you SYTYCD! His music is way beautiful too. And although mellow and moody, it's just what I needed to lift my spirits. Some of the dissonance in his melodies reminds me of Seal. It's weird, but true. [addition ed. note: very Robbie Williams too]
What's funny is that I was at Barnes last night and I must've listened to a dozen newish albums that have come out, but just couldn't bring myself to buy any of them. Maybe due to sticker shock, perhaps because there are like 398420342 albums due out this summer. I do really like the new ones from Death Cab, REM, and The Futureheads and wouldn't mind owning them (and actually PAYING for them). I purchased the new Portishead through itunes, but "acquired" the new Weezer album here at work. I'm still on the fence about Aimee Mann's new album. And then My Morning Jacket and Coldplay come out in like two seconds...very excited about those two. Anyway, I digress. I'm sure I'll slink back into my cesspool of whatnot soon enough, but for now, here's to the joy that new artists, new albums, and the new season of SYTYCD brings me.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
rainy days Thursdays always gettin' me down
No, I'm not really all that down, but it's so yuck outside right now. I'm all for some April showers, but not when the high is only 39! What is with this weather?? I honestly feel like it's never going to be warm. Or like this summer is seriously going to be two months long (July and August) and then September will roll around and will have this freak cold snap and it'll be back in the 30s. Wow.
To update!
45. Recipe: I've only made one so far, yip! But it was crazy good...Crab Caper I'll call it: imitation crab, miracle whip and sour cream, garlic, lemon juice/zest, and capers. Good and good for you! Tonight I'll hopefully make some kind of scallop asian dish...
51. Give up: This meat thing is a piece of cake! I think I just don't eat meat all that much. But it's really easy to find replacements between all the other proteins like eggs, veggie burgers, almonds, black and 'bonzo beans, and of course seafood of all kinds. The only hiccup that came about was that at Houlihans this past weekend, I did partake in these blue cheese tato tots that contained bacon bits. But you could barely taste them and who knows, maybe it was fake bacon? ha! But speaking of the tots, I indulged during my trip down to Chicagoland during which Monica was sweet enough to make sure we had several meatless meals! Friday she made tilapia, Saturday we had grilled cheese for lunch, and Sunday morning, we made veggie omelets. Yay!
54. Haircut: Katie's New Short Hair Phase II! I just came back from my appt at lunch. Fun!
74. Parking Ticket: This is nice! Ok so on my way to work I passed this car with a parking ticket in the window and thought: I should really fulfill my 'pay someone else's ticket' task soon...especially since *I haven't had a ticket in ages (knocking on all wood everywhere!!!). Well there were all kinds of people around, so I chickened out. Coming back at lunch, however, I saw the ticket was still there...and I also remembered that I could just write down the plate number because that's all you need to pay online! Done. And when I got to the citation on the website, it turns out the ticket was only $15. Wow I lucked out! But it also made me want to do it more often, so we'll see. Maybe it'll be an occasional good deed in my life! Although I did pass by the same car yesterday and it was parked in the same place, sans ticket, but with no money in the meter. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE! ;)
95. Books books books: I finished On a Pale Horse at the hospital this weekend whilst waiting for new Baby Bianca to be born! Good stuff. It was a little difficult reading the last few chapters post my John breakup as he's the one who gave it to me for Christmas and I had read most of it relaxing on the sunny patio in Arizona :\ Not a caaaare in the woooorld....... Anyway! Now I'm reading the always daring Jay McInerney (read Story of My Life a little while ago, I THINK post breakup the last time?). This one is his first novel Bright Lights Big City which came highly recommended from my sis. The book's uniqueness comes from the fact that it's written in second person, very rare. I feel as if it reads like American Psycho, without the psycho. Very Patrick Bateman, which makes sense as Bret Easton Ellis is sort of inspired by McInerney. It won't take me too long to get through and the next book on the agenda is Mere Christianity by C.S.Lewis. My mom's a huge fan and he's all she can read lately ;)
And that's what I got. Tomorrow is John's birthday bash at Genie...we'll see how that goes? Hopefully it isn't too awkward. I mean the JOHN part won't be weird because we've actually been on pretty good terms. It'll be everyone else from John's brother/brother-in-law to our mutual friend couple who were together less than John and I, but just got engaged, to those who DON'T know "the news," but might find out. Wah wah waaaaah.
But on that note, like I said, John and I are now doing ok with the anti-awkward. It's easy to be angry or bitter or whatever, but that puts me in a really sour mood. I spent all of Monday crying and that was NOT fun. Since then though, I'm trying to keep things pretty normal. We chat in the morning about whatever's going on, etc etc. And it's nice because it doesn't feel like such a drastic life change. Lately I get these flashes of a memory together. Like when he bought me this Asian sushi plate set at Target one night just for the fun of it, which lead me to thinking about the two of us driving in Little Black Car and deciding to go get drinks at Chilli's for fun. But when that happens, I mentally bury the memory almost like a funeral! ha! Just say goodbye to it I guess. Interestingly enough, bad memories will pop into my head as well...like fights we had or something and I'll kinda smile a little ;)
That's me in a nutshell for now!
To update!
45. Recipe: I've only made one so far, yip! But it was crazy good...Crab Caper I'll call it: imitation crab, miracle whip and sour cream, garlic, lemon juice/zest, and capers. Good and good for you! Tonight I'll hopefully make some kind of scallop asian dish...
51. Give up: This meat thing is a piece of cake! I think I just don't eat meat all that much. But it's really easy to find replacements between all the other proteins like eggs, veggie burgers, almonds, black and 'bonzo beans, and of course seafood of all kinds. The only hiccup that came about was that at Houlihans this past weekend, I did partake in these blue cheese tato tots that contained bacon bits. But you could barely taste them and who knows, maybe it was fake bacon? ha! But speaking of the tots, I indulged during my trip down to Chicagoland during which Monica was sweet enough to make sure we had several meatless meals! Friday she made tilapia, Saturday we had grilled cheese for lunch, and Sunday morning, we made veggie omelets. Yay!
54. Haircut: Katie's New Short Hair Phase II! I just came back from my appt at lunch. Fun!
74. Parking Ticket: This is nice! Ok so on my way to work I passed this car with a parking ticket in the window and thought: I should really fulfill my 'pay someone else's ticket' task soon...especially since *I haven't had a ticket in ages (knocking on all wood everywhere!!!). Well there were all kinds of people around, so I chickened out. Coming back at lunch, however, I saw the ticket was still there...and I also remembered that I could just write down the plate number because that's all you need to pay online! Done. And when I got to the citation on the website, it turns out the ticket was only $15. Wow I lucked out! But it also made me want to do it more often, so we'll see. Maybe it'll be an occasional good deed in my life! Although I did pass by the same car yesterday and it was parked in the same place, sans ticket, but with no money in the meter. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKE! ;)
95. Books books books: I finished On a Pale Horse at the hospital this weekend whilst waiting for new Baby Bianca to be born! Good stuff. It was a little difficult reading the last few chapters post my John breakup as he's the one who gave it to me for Christmas and I had read most of it relaxing on the sunny patio in Arizona :\ Not a caaaare in the woooorld....... Anyway! Now I'm reading the always daring Jay McInerney (read Story of My Life a little while ago, I THINK post breakup the last time?). This one is his first novel Bright Lights Big City which came highly recommended from my sis. The book's uniqueness comes from the fact that it's written in second person, very rare. I feel as if it reads like American Psycho, without the psycho. Very Patrick Bateman, which makes sense as Bret Easton Ellis is sort of inspired by McInerney. It won't take me too long to get through and the next book on the agenda is Mere Christianity by C.S.Lewis. My mom's a huge fan and he's all she can read lately ;)
And that's what I got. Tomorrow is John's birthday bash at Genie...we'll see how that goes? Hopefully it isn't too awkward. I mean the JOHN part won't be weird because we've actually been on pretty good terms. It'll be everyone else from John's brother/brother-in-law to our mutual friend couple who were together less than John and I, but just got engaged, to those who DON'T know "the news," but might find out. Wah wah waaaaah.
But on that note, like I said, John and I are now doing ok with the anti-awkward. It's easy to be angry or bitter or whatever, but that puts me in a really sour mood. I spent all of Monday crying and that was NOT fun. Since then though, I'm trying to keep things pretty normal. We chat in the morning about whatever's going on, etc etc. And it's nice because it doesn't feel like such a drastic life change. Lately I get these flashes of a memory together. Like when he bought me this Asian sushi plate set at Target one night just for the fun of it, which lead me to thinking about the two of us driving in Little Black Car and deciding to go get drinks at Chilli's for fun. But when that happens, I mentally bury the memory almost like a funeral! ha! Just say goodbye to it I guess. Interestingly enough, bad memories will pop into my head as well...like fights we had or something and I'll kinda smile a little ;)
That's me in a nutshell for now!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Treating myself
So I've been a blogging fiend lately, haven't I? I guess it's just been one of those catch up weeks or something. It's been a semi dramatic week as well. And with that said, I'm changing one of the items on my list for now. I'm going to treat myself once a month! Not necessarily a food type situation, but do something for myself that makes me happy. So before the month ends, the treat for March is to make a list of reasons why I'm a great person. Sounds a little conceited hey? ;) Well, when you feel down in the dumps like maybe something's wrong with you, it's definitely the type of list you need to snap you back into place and realize that you kick ass! Try it sometime and, trust me, you'll feel loads better!! Well at lunch here, I came up with 50 really nice things on my list. Things that are very true and gave me that kick in the pants I needed, making me realize that I have a lot to offer this world and the people in it if I keep doing what I'm doing. Perhaps other people may not recognize and appreciate these things about me, but sometimes people just don't get it. What's important is that *I know it and keep positive so I can share that good, pass it on. Someone somewhere will get it eventually :)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Slow blood and The Faux Mac
My arm SUCKS! I failed failed failed to donate blood. I've always had this weird issue where my blood is super slow. Which I guess is a good thing if I ever cut off my arm...maybe I won't bleed to death? But it makes for a frustrating donation process. I mean you read all the materials that you've read 8432349 times before, you fill out the survey, you answer the technicians questions, they test your temperature, your blood pressure, your iron count. And then they get you all prepared and slather on the iodine, stick you with the big needle, only to (in my case) dig around in there for ten minutes trying to get your blood to pour out faster, only to finally get that fateful look on the technician's face: "It doesn't look like you're going to make it in time". (For those of you have never donated before, they only allow you 15 minutes in which to donate your blood, for fear of it clotting.) Sigh. Oddly enough, however, over the past ten years, I guess I've donated some 30 times and honestly I've been given the heave 'slow' less than a dozen, maybe even only half a dozen times. So that's not too bad really, in the grand scheme of things. Awhile back, however, maybe four years ago, I really got discouraged and stopped donating all together! Now, of course, my List binds me to keep donating, but what happens after the list? As I sat in that vinyl chair last night, I watched a woman who had been pierced some 5-10 minutes AFTER me finish her pint in less than five minutes. So discouraging. See, practically everyone I know won't donate because they're afraid of needles or blood. And here I am totally willing to put myself through the slight pain (especially all the digging they have to do in my arm) and the inconvenience of driving to the burbs, only to be sent home sans donation. And PS what do they do with my blood if I don't make the whole pint? They throw it out :( WHY?!! Well, after some googling I discovered that the following could be a good reason:
"The collection bags have a certain amount of anti-coagulant in them to keep the blood from clotting while it’s being collected (the bag is rocked back and forth on a machine, to help with this as well.) The amount of anti-coagulant is based on the volume of blood the bag can hold (these ones expect a donation of ~400- 450 mL). If there is not enough blood in the bag, the ratio of anti-coagulant to blood will be off, which will somehow render the blood unusable for donation purposes" - Fellow Blogger
In my google frenzy, I did find a lot of other people who have this problem and started to feel a little more comforted. Perhaps a combination of my low blood pressure (last night 104/60, normal is 120/80; according to this chart I'm on the border of "low normal" and hypotension!) and a slight dehydration (instead camel'ing up the day before, I should pound the H20 a week or more ahead of time, although that didn't even work for my fellow mud-blood, David).
At the end of the day it's easy to feel discouraged, but even with the trek to the burbs, the questionaires, the tests, and the vein digging, it really is the easiest thing in the world to donate blood (barring any severe phobia). And it really is no skin off my back if they end up throwing away my half filled bag. At least I'm giving it the ol' Harvard try. So I'll try once again come May 20th or so. After that I'll donate twice in the summer (July 20thish and Sept 20thish) to try to make up for my lack of a donation in the winter. If I get another heave 'slow' I'll make up for it in some other way...maybe donate money to the Blood Center of WI or something.
Moving along here, and to conclude this post with something that has nothing at all to do with blood, I have to write about how I sort of reinvented a "healthy" Big Mac! With the help of my sister's Boca Burger suggestion (I used the "flame grilled" kind), I mixed together some relish/ketchup/light miracle whip, topped with lettuce and provolone, slapped it all between two pieces of Natural Ovens Healthy Beginnings Honey Wheat and grilled to melt the cheese. Obviously it really is nothing like an ACTUAL Big Mac, but honestly tastes just as good! The Boca Burgers are DELISH (I'm such a late bandwagon jumper) and like three grams of fat. The white cheese and light whip really don't add too much more fat to it.
Yum.
The Faux Mac.
"The collection bags have a certain amount of anti-coagulant in them to keep the blood from clotting while it’s being collected (the bag is rocked back and forth on a machine, to help with this as well.) The amount of anti-coagulant is based on the volume of blood the bag can hold (these ones expect a donation of ~400- 450 mL). If there is not enough blood in the bag, the ratio of anti-coagulant to blood will be off, which will somehow render the blood unusable for donation purposes" - Fellow Blogger
In my google frenzy, I did find a lot of other people who have this problem and started to feel a little more comforted. Perhaps a combination of my low blood pressure (last night 104/60, normal is 120/80; according to this chart I'm on the border of "low normal" and hypotension!) and a slight dehydration (instead camel'ing up the day before, I should pound the H20 a week or more ahead of time, although that didn't even work for my fellow mud-blood, David).
At the end of the day it's easy to feel discouraged, but even with the trek to the burbs, the questionaires, the tests, and the vein digging, it really is the easiest thing in the world to donate blood (barring any severe phobia). And it really is no skin off my back if they end up throwing away my half filled bag. At least I'm giving it the ol' Harvard try. So I'll try once again come May 20th or so. After that I'll donate twice in the summer (July 20thish and Sept 20thish) to try to make up for my lack of a donation in the winter. If I get another heave 'slow' I'll make up for it in some other way...maybe donate money to the Blood Center of WI or something.
Moving along here, and to conclude this post with something that has nothing at all to do with blood, I have to write about how I sort of reinvented a "healthy" Big Mac! With the help of my sister's Boca Burger suggestion (I used the "flame grilled" kind), I mixed together some relish/ketchup/light miracle whip, topped with lettuce and provolone, slapped it all between two pieces of Natural Ovens Healthy Beginnings Honey Wheat and grilled to melt the cheese. Obviously it really is nothing like an ACTUAL Big Mac, but honestly tastes just as good! The Boca Burgers are DELISH (I'm such a late bandwagon jumper) and like three grams of fat. The white cheese and light whip really don't add too much more fat to it.
Yum.
The Faux Mac.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
and this too shall pass
It sure is amazing how things happen...I mean crazy explosions of things...out of nowhere. Today at work, we're all mourning the loss...of our department? The scary thing is how close it was to being the entire department or rather the entire company! My little Zettlebug didn't escape the hatchet :( And my loyal commenter and dear friend Nicole is patiently (well, to the best of her ability) teetering on this odd concept of an edge...with no idea how she'll fall. So that's great. Things are awkward at best here at work, with employees who were fired sitting within feet, INCHES really, of employees that were not. I'm sure you can imagine how lovely that feels. It also feels pretty lovely to assume that I'm hated by a couple people here. For really no reason whatsoever. I had nothing to do with this...I'm a peon like everyone else. And actually, a few of the people in my dept are in the same boat I'm in...still here, but feeling massive guilt for being here. For some reason though, and it could just be the narcissist in me, but I feel like some people here think I'M the Big Bad. Well, if those people feel like making me, or anyone else that's innocent, the scapegoat...I guess that's their prerogative.
Well, like all insane turns of events, with time it'll all feel so insignificant. Hopefully people will move on and find better things (like I always say: sometimes you have to take a step back to go forward). But speaking of backs, hopefully I won't get SHOT in the back in some dark alley :( If I am, you may know whom to prosecute?? In the meantime, while we wait for wounds to heal...or wounds to get another job and get out of here...its going to be a loooong few months. 2007 wasn't such a good year afterall. People getting their hearts broken, grandparents dying, debts deepening, and this...while it doesn't hold a candle to 2002, it certainly is a shady cousin. 2008 couldn't come soon enough...
Well, like all insane turns of events, with time it'll all feel so insignificant. Hopefully people will move on and find better things (like I always say: sometimes you have to take a step back to go forward). But speaking of backs, hopefully I won't get SHOT in the back in some dark alley :( If I am, you may know whom to prosecute?? In the meantime, while we wait for wounds to heal...or wounds to get another job and get out of here...its going to be a loooong few months. 2007 wasn't such a good year afterall. People getting their hearts broken, grandparents dying, debts deepening, and this...while it doesn't hold a candle to 2002, it certainly is a shady cousin. 2008 couldn't come soon enough...
Monday, February 26, 2007
You only know the light, when you've spent a little time in the dark
So I didn't want to use this blog for my deepest and darkest emotions, but desperate times call for desperate measures? Perhaps you were able to tell from my last post that my world was on shaky ground. And now knowing that John was my entire world at the time...well, that makes it all that much shakier.
John broke up with me a couple Fridays ago...two days after Valentine's Day...one day after I had written my last post about getting up early and standing in the cold, so that I could sneak into his place and delivery a special Valentine's treat. Speaking of Valentine's Day, I hear that it's a popular breakup time of year! Well, I was one of the lucky ones I guess.
I felt completely devastated. No, devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I felt devastated, humiliated, betrayed, and completely and utterly alone.
Alone, that is, until my sister took over. In a haze at his place, I had thrown all my belongings into a large plastic Target bag as tears streamed down my face and he distantly said things I don't really remember. He dropped me off and we exchanged pathetic "see ya's" as I closed Little Black Car's door for possibly the last time. I dragged myself into my apartment, dropped everything, and sobbed all of John's ridiculous nonsense to my wonderful sister who just sat there and listened despite her boiling rage toward him. Eventually I went to bed, woke up the next morning with a screaming headache, and realized that, no, it was not a dream.
For the next two days, my completely fabulous family put my shattered world back together. They helped me realize that John was NOT my whole world. That I had so much more just waiting for me to grab on to. And ever so slowly, I started to believe them.
Monday morning, as I began to feel a little better, my mom called my cell and sadly uttered the words: "Grandma died this morning." I broke down once again, but not because my grandma died...she had been sick for the past year and is now in a much much better place. But rather because life is completely ridiculous. Four years ago, after six months of looking, I had yet to find a job post-college. That fall, I got into an accident where I severely damaged my best friend's husband's ATV and paid for it despite my obviously low funds. Four days later I totaled the car my parents handed down to me for college graduation. Meanwhile we put to sleep my very most favorite and dearly loved cat of nearly 20 years. Then the day before Thanksgiving, my father commit suicide...and this lead to a nearly year long bitter legal issue between his partner and my sister and I over my dad's life insurance policy. Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure, I just wanted to point out how ridiculous life is. And while in no way does my current situation even compare to how awful life was four years ago, it reminded me of pain. And how lucky I had been to avoid that kind of pain for nearly a half a decade. I will say that when John said those fateful words: "I'm breaking up with you"...it did remind me of the morning my mom told me about my dad. Like everything coming unhinged.
The positive spin here is that over the next week, I was able to help my mom out with my grandma's funeral arrangements to the best of my ability. I was able to give back to her a fraction of what she gave me that horrible weekend where I seriously thought my soul had died. It felt wonderful to be there for her as she was there for me, holding my hand and telling me exactly how I would feel over the next few days and weeks (and boy has she been spot on thus far!). And yet, even though her own mom had just passed away, she continued to be there for me in my struggle. One minute I'm on top of it all, totally confident that I am my own person and that I don't need John in my life...but the next minute, everything feels like it's crumbling around me and I don't know how I'll ever be able to move on from it all. But my mom is there. And so is my sister...the most patient person for whom I could ask. And so are all my dear friends, who have offered so much diverse advice, but have also been there to simply lend an ear and a shoulder. To them I am eternally grateful...without them, I'd be so lost.
And now I'm here. I have officially spent two days here at work with John ten feet from me. The first day was awful. He was happy and all over the place...it was seriously hell. I felt so crushed like the past year and a half was meaningless...that I meant absolutely nothing to him and that every single thing I had ever done for him (and man almighty there was a lot back there) was me pouring my heart into a sieve. All the feelings I had faced came flooding back: all of our memories together, the songs we shared, his hilarious and awesome family with whom I became friends, his daughter who I had started to love just as much as him, our now defunct trip to Arizona in two weeks, all the gifts we had given each other, all of the mementos I had saved....all meaningless. I cried in the stairwell for awhile until I decided to take my patheticness home for the day where I cried some more. But over the next three day weekend, I listened to more advice, I went to my grandma's funeral, I tried to be inspired and lifted by good things surrounding me, and I picked myself back up once again. Today was the second day I spent ten feet away from him and it was good. Very good. I felt liberated from a lot of the torment from the past week. I see a light at the end of the tunnel...a light I would never have been able to see if I hadn't spent some time in the dark.
And on that note, this light is me. Me and all my potential. Which brings me to this blog and my list. Obviously there is a good chunk of my 101 Things list that involves John. And you know, the dark thought DID occur to me whilst making said list: what if we break up? Well that bridge is here and it is time to cross. I will come up with new amendments to my list. There are about twenty or so that I need to fix or completely delete and redevelop. I will tackle that action in a few days. I need some new ideas and it'll help me tremendously to focus on them, on me, for awhile. I do have potential. I had potential with John, but I have it just as much without him too. And now I see that.
John broke up with me a couple Fridays ago...two days after Valentine's Day...one day after I had written my last post about getting up early and standing in the cold, so that I could sneak into his place and delivery a special Valentine's treat. Speaking of Valentine's Day, I hear that it's a popular breakup time of year! Well, I was one of the lucky ones I guess.
I felt completely devastated. No, devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I felt devastated, humiliated, betrayed, and completely and utterly alone.
Alone, that is, until my sister took over. In a haze at his place, I had thrown all my belongings into a large plastic Target bag as tears streamed down my face and he distantly said things I don't really remember. He dropped me off and we exchanged pathetic "see ya's" as I closed Little Black Car's door for possibly the last time. I dragged myself into my apartment, dropped everything, and sobbed all of John's ridiculous nonsense to my wonderful sister who just sat there and listened despite her boiling rage toward him. Eventually I went to bed, woke up the next morning with a screaming headache, and realized that, no, it was not a dream.
For the next two days, my completely fabulous family put my shattered world back together. They helped me realize that John was NOT my whole world. That I had so much more just waiting for me to grab on to. And ever so slowly, I started to believe them.
Monday morning, as I began to feel a little better, my mom called my cell and sadly uttered the words: "Grandma died this morning." I broke down once again, but not because my grandma died...she had been sick for the past year and is now in a much much better place. But rather because life is completely ridiculous. Four years ago, after six months of looking, I had yet to find a job post-college. That fall, I got into an accident where I severely damaged my best friend's husband's ATV and paid for it despite my obviously low funds. Four days later I totaled the car my parents handed down to me for college graduation. Meanwhile we put to sleep my very most favorite and dearly loved cat of nearly 20 years. Then the day before Thanksgiving, my father commit suicide...and this lead to a nearly year long bitter legal issue between his partner and my sister and I over my dad's life insurance policy. Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure, I just wanted to point out how ridiculous life is. And while in no way does my current situation even compare to how awful life was four years ago, it reminded me of pain. And how lucky I had been to avoid that kind of pain for nearly a half a decade. I will say that when John said those fateful words: "I'm breaking up with you"...it did remind me of the morning my mom told me about my dad. Like everything coming unhinged.
The positive spin here is that over the next week, I was able to help my mom out with my grandma's funeral arrangements to the best of my ability. I was able to give back to her a fraction of what she gave me that horrible weekend where I seriously thought my soul had died. It felt wonderful to be there for her as she was there for me, holding my hand and telling me exactly how I would feel over the next few days and weeks (and boy has she been spot on thus far!). And yet, even though her own mom had just passed away, she continued to be there for me in my struggle. One minute I'm on top of it all, totally confident that I am my own person and that I don't need John in my life...but the next minute, everything feels like it's crumbling around me and I don't know how I'll ever be able to move on from it all. But my mom is there. And so is my sister...the most patient person for whom I could ask. And so are all my dear friends, who have offered so much diverse advice, but have also been there to simply lend an ear and a shoulder. To them I am eternally grateful...without them, I'd be so lost.
And now I'm here. I have officially spent two days here at work with John ten feet from me. The first day was awful. He was happy and all over the place...it was seriously hell. I felt so crushed like the past year and a half was meaningless...that I meant absolutely nothing to him and that every single thing I had ever done for him (and man almighty there was a lot back there) was me pouring my heart into a sieve. All the feelings I had faced came flooding back: all of our memories together, the songs we shared, his hilarious and awesome family with whom I became friends, his daughter who I had started to love just as much as him, our now defunct trip to Arizona in two weeks, all the gifts we had given each other, all of the mementos I had saved....all meaningless. I cried in the stairwell for awhile until I decided to take my patheticness home for the day where I cried some more. But over the next three day weekend, I listened to more advice, I went to my grandma's funeral, I tried to be inspired and lifted by good things surrounding me, and I picked myself back up once again. Today was the second day I spent ten feet away from him and it was good. Very good. I felt liberated from a lot of the torment from the past week. I see a light at the end of the tunnel...a light I would never have been able to see if I hadn't spent some time in the dark.
And on that note, this light is me. Me and all my potential. Which brings me to this blog and my list. Obviously there is a good chunk of my 101 Things list that involves John. And you know, the dark thought DID occur to me whilst making said list: what if we break up? Well that bridge is here and it is time to cross. I will come up with new amendments to my list. There are about twenty or so that I need to fix or completely delete and redevelop. I will tackle that action in a few days. I need some new ideas and it'll help me tremendously to focus on them, on me, for awhile. I do have potential. I had potential with John, but I have it just as much without him too. And now I see that.
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