So I didn't want to use this blog for my deepest and darkest emotions, but desperate times call for desperate measures? Perhaps you were able to tell from my last post that my world was on shaky ground. And now knowing that John was my entire world at the time...well, that makes it all that much shakier.
John broke up with me a couple Fridays ago...two days after Valentine's Day...one day after I had written my last post about getting up early and standing in the cold, so that I could sneak into his place and delivery a special Valentine's treat. Speaking of Valentine's Day, I hear that it's a popular breakup time of year! Well, I was one of the lucky ones I guess.
I felt completely devastated. No, devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I felt devastated, humiliated, betrayed, and completely and utterly alone.
Alone, that is, until my sister took over. In a haze at his place, I had thrown all my belongings into a large plastic Target bag as tears streamed down my face and he distantly said things I don't really remember. He dropped me off and we exchanged pathetic "see ya's" as I closed Little Black Car's door for possibly the last time. I dragged myself into my apartment, dropped everything, and sobbed all of John's ridiculous nonsense to my wonderful sister who just sat there and listened despite her boiling rage toward him. Eventually I went to bed, woke up the next morning with a screaming headache, and realized that, no, it was not a dream.
For the next two days, my completely fabulous family put my shattered world back together. They helped me realize that John was NOT my whole world. That I had so much more just waiting for me to grab on to. And ever so slowly, I started to believe them.
Monday morning, as I began to feel a little better, my mom called my cell and sadly uttered the words: "Grandma died this morning." I broke down once again, but not because my grandma died...she had been sick for the past year and is now in a much much better place. But rather because life is completely ridiculous. Four years ago, after six months of looking, I had yet to find a job post-college. That fall, I got into an accident where I severely damaged my best friend's husband's ATV and paid for it despite my obviously low funds. Four days later I totaled the car my parents handed down to me for college graduation. Meanwhile we put to sleep my very most favorite and dearly loved cat of nearly 20 years. Then the day before Thanksgiving, my father commit suicide...and this lead to a nearly year long bitter legal issue between his partner and my sister and I over my dad's life insurance policy. Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure, I just wanted to point out how ridiculous life is. And while in no way does my current situation even compare to how awful life was four years ago, it reminded me of pain. And how lucky I had been to avoid that kind of pain for nearly a half a decade. I will say that when John said those fateful words: "I'm breaking up with you"...it did remind me of the morning my mom told me about my dad. Like everything coming unhinged.
The positive spin here is that over the next week, I was able to help my mom out with my grandma's funeral arrangements to the best of my ability. I was able to give back to her a fraction of what she gave me that horrible weekend where I seriously thought my soul had died. It felt wonderful to be there for her as she was there for me, holding my hand and telling me exactly how I would feel over the next few days and weeks (and boy has she been spot on thus far!). And yet, even though her own mom had just passed away, she continued to be there for me in my struggle. One minute I'm on top of it all, totally confident that I am my own person and that I don't need John in my life...but the next minute, everything feels like it's crumbling around me and I don't know how I'll ever be able to move on from it all. But my mom is there. And so is my sister...the most patient person for whom I could ask. And so are all my dear friends, who have offered so much diverse advice, but have also been there to simply lend an ear and a shoulder. To them I am eternally grateful...without them, I'd be so lost.
And now I'm here. I have officially spent two days here at work with John ten feet from me. The first day was awful. He was happy and all over the place...it was seriously hell. I felt so crushed like the past year and a half was meaningless...that I meant absolutely nothing to him and that every single thing I had ever done for him (and man almighty there was a lot back there) was me pouring my heart into a sieve. All the feelings I had faced came flooding back: all of our memories together, the songs we shared, his hilarious and awesome family with whom I became friends, his daughter who I had started to love just as much as him, our now defunct trip to Arizona in two weeks, all the gifts we had given each other, all of the mementos I had saved....all meaningless. I cried in the stairwell for awhile until I decided to take my patheticness home for the day where I cried some more. But over the next three day weekend, I listened to more advice, I went to my grandma's funeral, I tried to be inspired and lifted by good things surrounding me, and I picked myself back up once again. Today was the second day I spent ten feet away from him and it was good. Very good. I felt liberated from a lot of the torment from the past week. I see a light at the end of the tunnel...a light I would never have been able to see if I hadn't spent some time in the dark.
And on that note, this light is me. Me and all my potential. Which brings me to this blog and my list. Obviously there is a good chunk of my 101 Things list that involves John. And you know, the dark thought DID occur to me whilst making said list: what if we break up? Well that bridge is here and it is time to cross. I will come up with new amendments to my list. There are about twenty or so that I need to fix or completely delete and redevelop. I will tackle that action in a few days. I need some new ideas and it'll help me tremendously to focus on them, on me, for awhile. I do have potential. I had potential with John, but I have it just as much without him too. And now I see that.
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