No seriously I did! I sat in the PHX airport...had a conversation...and while I didn't crash on a mysterious island like my Lost pals, I did go through some kind of time glitch and I landed back in March of 2007...only they're telling me it's 2008. Two words: I'm Desmond.
I read my February 07 post and I must say that I am not feeling like I did then thank all that is holy. My heart is heavy and I'm sad, but I'm not shocked or abandoned. For one year, I gave John's and my relationship a shot. He did some crazy convincing, but come April I was hooked and decided to give it another go. Tomorrow April is once more upon us. In 2007 I had two paths from which to choose. I chose one...made a ginormous loop...and this weekend I came to the exact same crossroads. Now I must choose the other path that life offered to me at the time. Hence my sneaking suspicion that I'm repeating 2007 over again ;)
At first, when I sensed the crumbling of the relationship, my initial thoughts were blazing anger that this was happening to me all over again. Like I was tricked. I've said this to way too many people way too many times, but: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I thought I was the biggest idiot in the world for falling for the big rouse. BUT! After the dust has settled, I realized that John was right that awful February 16th a year ago: "We want different things." If only he had stuck to his guns back then ;) We do indeed. And the more I thought about it, the more I knew my answer. Many people are going to say I gave John an ultimatum. And I did. No I didn't tell him Marry Me Or Else. I told him to get help. Commitment-phobia is a real thing and the trouble with this world is that a lot of people don't take it seriously, and it happens time and time again...hearts breaking all over the place simply because someone wasn't honest with themselves.
And speaking of honesty, the one thing I do thank John for is being honest once I finally confronted him. I hope to thank him personally one day. Many commitment-phobes force themselves into a relationship they are afraid of and pay the consequences later. The fact that John stood by his decision to "not get help" made the next step easy for me. Almost as if it were the best decision I "never" made. Now, yes, I did know about this commitment-phobia of John's a year ago. And it was the very reason I told him we were NOT going to get back together...I knew he wouldn't change. I read a whole book on the subject and it was clear as crystal. But he puts on a good show, and I loved him, and I wanted to be happy too (I was feeling a little miserable without him at the time). And at the end of the day, everyone deserves a second shot. It's the "third shot" that gets messy. Then I'm just a glutton for punishment. Which brings us to March 2008, my OWN second shot at my OWN happiness. For now I can start over, figure out what I honestly want out of life and out of a life mate! I never mind sacrificing here and there (ok I AM a glutton for punishment!), but I now see that there is a fine line between compromising WITH someone and sacrificing FOR someone. And in my case the smoking, not being able to have a child, or even a cat, of my own, and finally the probability of no marriage either...my fate is no longer sealed.
To conclude, I know I'm going to have some really rough days ahead of me. It will be hard to let go of nearly three years of memories and my first and only true love. During those rough moments, however, I have to remember The Bike. Once upon a time John bought a bike from Craigslist with the intention of fixing it up. Much like a bunch of John's past and defunct dream hobbies (skateboarding, geo-caching, flipping houses in Arizona), I was skeptical. Sure enough, I found out recently that he threw the bike away. All he had done was take off a bunch of the parts. I don't want to be one of John's hobbies that collects dust on the shelf. And if I had just sat back, been "content" with a stagnant relationship, that's what would've happened. And hey, like I said in my last post, I don't mean to write myself a symphony, but I do NOT deserve to sit on some shelf collecting dust!
Time DOES heal all wounds (thank you April 07), and with that said, I look forward to taking the other path now. I hope John does too...he also stands to be much happier!
Now let's hope this time NEXT year is completely different!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Treating myself
So I've been a blogging fiend lately, haven't I? I guess it's just been one of those catch up weeks or something. It's been a semi dramatic week as well. And with that said, I'm changing one of the items on my list for now. I'm going to treat myself once a month! Not necessarily a food type situation, but do something for myself that makes me happy. So before the month ends, the treat for March is to make a list of reasons why I'm a great person. Sounds a little conceited hey? ;) Well, when you feel down in the dumps like maybe something's wrong with you, it's definitely the type of list you need to snap you back into place and realize that you kick ass! Try it sometime and, trust me, you'll feel loads better!! Well at lunch here, I came up with 50 really nice things on my list. Things that are very true and gave me that kick in the pants I needed, making me realize that I have a lot to offer this world and the people in it if I keep doing what I'm doing. Perhaps other people may not recognize and appreciate these things about me, but sometimes people just don't get it. What's important is that *I know it and keep positive so I can share that good, pass it on. Someone somewhere will get it eventually :)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
p'bucket blows
Photobucket doesn't seem to want to work at this time. I can log on, I can load photos, but it won't recognize said photos or even a link to an album within my post. So "'zona pix" will sit in draft form until this changes. In the meanwhile, two additional recipes to complete the month of March. These aren't complicated at all, so coupled with the Faux Mac invention, the three can equal two (#'s 45 & 46)
1. Crispy Broccoli with Spicy Garlic (I also added red peppers and carrots to the stir fry)...made broccoli so much better!! Not bland at all! Plus I used this "newish" Uncle Ben's brown rice that was super delish.
2. Bean salad for my lunches this week (just black/kidney beans with pickled asparagus and olive oil/cider vinegar/hot sauce/spices...needs celery and onions!)
1. Crispy Broccoli with Spicy Garlic (I also added red peppers and carrots to the stir fry)...made broccoli so much better!! Not bland at all! Plus I used this "newish" Uncle Ben's brown rice that was super delish.
2. Bean salad for my lunches this week (just black/kidney beans with pickled asparagus and olive oil/cider vinegar/hot sauce/spices...needs celery and onions!)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Slow blood and The Faux Mac
My arm SUCKS! I failed failed failed to donate blood. I've always had this weird issue where my blood is super slow. Which I guess is a good thing if I ever cut off my arm...maybe I won't bleed to death? But it makes for a frustrating donation process. I mean you read all the materials that you've read 8432349 times before, you fill out the survey, you answer the technicians questions, they test your temperature, your blood pressure, your iron count. And then they get you all prepared and slather on the iodine, stick you with the big needle, only to (in my case) dig around in there for ten minutes trying to get your blood to pour out faster, only to finally get that fateful look on the technician's face: "It doesn't look like you're going to make it in time". (For those of you have never donated before, they only allow you 15 minutes in which to donate your blood, for fear of it clotting.) Sigh. Oddly enough, however, over the past ten years, I guess I've donated some 30 times and honestly I've been given the heave 'slow' less than a dozen, maybe even only half a dozen times. So that's not too bad really, in the grand scheme of things. Awhile back, however, maybe four years ago, I really got discouraged and stopped donating all together! Now, of course, my List binds me to keep donating, but what happens after the list? As I sat in that vinyl chair last night, I watched a woman who had been pierced some 5-10 minutes AFTER me finish her pint in less than five minutes. So discouraging. See, practically everyone I know won't donate because they're afraid of needles or blood. And here I am totally willing to put myself through the slight pain (especially all the digging they have to do in my arm) and the inconvenience of driving to the burbs, only to be sent home sans donation. And PS what do they do with my blood if I don't make the whole pint? They throw it out :( WHY?!! Well, after some googling I discovered that the following could be a good reason:
"The collection bags have a certain amount of anti-coagulant in them to keep the blood from clotting while it’s being collected (the bag is rocked back and forth on a machine, to help with this as well.) The amount of anti-coagulant is based on the volume of blood the bag can hold (these ones expect a donation of ~400- 450 mL). If there is not enough blood in the bag, the ratio of anti-coagulant to blood will be off, which will somehow render the blood unusable for donation purposes" - Fellow Blogger
In my google frenzy, I did find a lot of other people who have this problem and started to feel a little more comforted. Perhaps a combination of my low blood pressure (last night 104/60, normal is 120/80; according to this chart I'm on the border of "low normal" and hypotension!) and a slight dehydration (instead camel'ing up the day before, I should pound the H20 a week or more ahead of time, although that didn't even work for my fellow mud-blood, David).
At the end of the day it's easy to feel discouraged, but even with the trek to the burbs, the questionaires, the tests, and the vein digging, it really is the easiest thing in the world to donate blood (barring any severe phobia). And it really is no skin off my back if they end up throwing away my half filled bag. At least I'm giving it the ol' Harvard try. So I'll try once again come May 20th or so. After that I'll donate twice in the summer (July 20thish and Sept 20thish) to try to make up for my lack of a donation in the winter. If I get another heave 'slow' I'll make up for it in some other way...maybe donate money to the Blood Center of WI or something.
Moving along here, and to conclude this post with something that has nothing at all to do with blood, I have to write about how I sort of reinvented a "healthy" Big Mac! With the help of my sister's Boca Burger suggestion (I used the "flame grilled" kind), I mixed together some relish/ketchup/light miracle whip, topped with lettuce and provolone, slapped it all between two pieces of Natural Ovens Healthy Beginnings Honey Wheat and grilled to melt the cheese. Obviously it really is nothing like an ACTUAL Big Mac, but honestly tastes just as good! The Boca Burgers are DELISH (I'm such a late bandwagon jumper) and like three grams of fat. The white cheese and light whip really don't add too much more fat to it.
Yum.
The Faux Mac.
"The collection bags have a certain amount of anti-coagulant in them to keep the blood from clotting while it’s being collected (the bag is rocked back and forth on a machine, to help with this as well.) The amount of anti-coagulant is based on the volume of blood the bag can hold (these ones expect a donation of ~400- 450 mL). If there is not enough blood in the bag, the ratio of anti-coagulant to blood will be off, which will somehow render the blood unusable for donation purposes" - Fellow Blogger
In my google frenzy, I did find a lot of other people who have this problem and started to feel a little more comforted. Perhaps a combination of my low blood pressure (last night 104/60, normal is 120/80; according to this chart I'm on the border of "low normal" and hypotension!) and a slight dehydration (instead camel'ing up the day before, I should pound the H20 a week or more ahead of time, although that didn't even work for my fellow mud-blood, David).
At the end of the day it's easy to feel discouraged, but even with the trek to the burbs, the questionaires, the tests, and the vein digging, it really is the easiest thing in the world to donate blood (barring any severe phobia). And it really is no skin off my back if they end up throwing away my half filled bag. At least I'm giving it the ol' Harvard try. So I'll try once again come May 20th or so. After that I'll donate twice in the summer (July 20thish and Sept 20thish) to try to make up for my lack of a donation in the winter. If I get another heave 'slow' I'll make up for it in some other way...maybe donate money to the Blood Center of WI or something.
Moving along here, and to conclude this post with something that has nothing at all to do with blood, I have to write about how I sort of reinvented a "healthy" Big Mac! With the help of my sister's Boca Burger suggestion (I used the "flame grilled" kind), I mixed together some relish/ketchup/light miracle whip, topped with lettuce and provolone, slapped it all between two pieces of Natural Ovens Healthy Beginnings Honey Wheat and grilled to melt the cheese. Obviously it really is nothing like an ACTUAL Big Mac, but honestly tastes just as good! The Boca Burgers are DELISH (I'm such a late bandwagon jumper) and like three grams of fat. The white cheese and light whip really don't add too much more fat to it.
Yum.
The Faux Mac.
Monday, March 24, 2008
listy updates mmmm....
I'm back from my trip and I enjoyed an Easter weekend full of church, 19 inches of snow, and my first cup of coffee in six weeks!! Now I have some updates to attend to...
#15 - Last night I started organizing INKYTNMO stuff for the big scrapbook! I could stand to go to town on this thing with fun little popouts and booklets and stuff, so I'm real stoked!!
#49 - Two new recipes:
1. I made mashed cauliflower which rocked my world. Seriously a REAL good alternative to mashed tatos. You just boil them in chicken stock until they're mashable, then add S&P and cheese...it's just that easy!
2. For our Easter Brunch, I literally made up a recipe. So in my mind, I had this idea for a "root hash"...hashbrowns, but made with regular shredded tatos, but also shredded sweet tatos, parsnips, and turnips. (I wanted rutabagas, but apparently Metro Market doesn't have rutabagas right now...blah) Anyway, in my mind, I imagined these hashbrowns with some sort of gravy or au jus just like on the east coast where you have "wet fries" or fries with gravy. So you'd get the crispiness of the hash, but some moisture with the gravy/au jus. Well it was quite an endeavor, but the recipe was a relative success!! I added some rosemary to the hashbrowns, as well as sauteed onions of course. And the sauce did turn out to be more of a gravy than au jus (beef stock, Worchester, and a little apple cider vinegar added to a roux)...but it was good. It was SOOOO much more flavorful than the typical hashbrowns you get. Much more depth because of the different root veggies. And the onions made it sweet! I think I'm going to experiment a bit with it...make the hashbrowns even more crispy (you really gotta stop those starches from exploding all over the place!), and try to make more of an au jus. In any case, the entire Easter Brunch as a whole was amazing. My mom made a spinach soufflé that was absolutely delicious. I don't know if I could make a soufflé! My sister made corn bread muffins from scratch (!) with maple butter...as well as a quick fruit salad (bananas, mango, honeydew). And of course brunch isn't brunch without bacon :) Later in the afternoon we had this outstanding orange cake my mom made for my grandpa for his birthday. It's got triple sec in it I think? Totally soaked in it!! Just to die for...I think I want to start requesting it for MY birthday ;)
#50 - See #49, I switched 'er up to the Turnip which I, of course, added to the hash. Yum stuff!
#54 - I have to make an appt...my hair is getting way too long!
#64 - I made it to the Grand Canyon YIPPIE!!!!!! I will post some AZ pix tomorrow if I get some time :) as well as a nice discussion...
#69 - Well, I completely forgot to donate blood during winter. I was supposed to on Dec 27th but that got pushed back. Then I got the flu and didn't want to endanger anyone? Well, I feel like if I at least get the donation in before March ends, that's fair enough, so I'm donating tonight. Hopefully my arm doesn't suck and I succeed!
#95 - On a Pale Horse is reading real quick! I love it!
Alright more tomorrow...
#15 - Last night I started organizing INKYTNMO stuff for the big scrapbook! I could stand to go to town on this thing with fun little popouts and booklets and stuff, so I'm real stoked!!
#49 - Two new recipes:
1. I made mashed cauliflower which rocked my world. Seriously a REAL good alternative to mashed tatos. You just boil them in chicken stock until they're mashable, then add S&P and cheese...it's just that easy!
2. For our Easter Brunch, I literally made up a recipe. So in my mind, I had this idea for a "root hash"...hashbrowns, but made with regular shredded tatos, but also shredded sweet tatos, parsnips, and turnips. (I wanted rutabagas, but apparently Metro Market doesn't have rutabagas right now...blah) Anyway, in my mind, I imagined these hashbrowns with some sort of gravy or au jus just like on the east coast where you have "wet fries" or fries with gravy. So you'd get the crispiness of the hash, but some moisture with the gravy/au jus. Well it was quite an endeavor, but the recipe was a relative success!! I added some rosemary to the hashbrowns, as well as sauteed onions of course. And the sauce did turn out to be more of a gravy than au jus (beef stock, Worchester, and a little apple cider vinegar added to a roux)...but it was good. It was SOOOO much more flavorful than the typical hashbrowns you get. Much more depth because of the different root veggies. And the onions made it sweet! I think I'm going to experiment a bit with it...make the hashbrowns even more crispy (you really gotta stop those starches from exploding all over the place!), and try to make more of an au jus. In any case, the entire Easter Brunch as a whole was amazing. My mom made a spinach soufflé that was absolutely delicious. I don't know if I could make a soufflé! My sister made corn bread muffins from scratch (!) with maple butter...as well as a quick fruit salad (bananas, mango, honeydew). And of course brunch isn't brunch without bacon :) Later in the afternoon we had this outstanding orange cake my mom made for my grandpa for his birthday. It's got triple sec in it I think? Totally soaked in it!! Just to die for...I think I want to start requesting it for MY birthday ;)
#50 - See #49, I switched 'er up to the Turnip which I, of course, added to the hash. Yum stuff!
#54 - I have to make an appt...my hair is getting way too long!
#64 - I made it to the Grand Canyon YIPPIE!!!!!! I will post some AZ pix tomorrow if I get some time :) as well as a nice discussion...
#69 - Well, I completely forgot to donate blood during winter. I was supposed to on Dec 27th but that got pushed back. Then I got the flu and didn't want to endanger anyone? Well, I feel like if I at least get the donation in before March ends, that's fair enough, so I'm donating tonight. Hopefully my arm doesn't suck and I succeed!
#95 - On a Pale Horse is reading real quick! I love it!
Alright more tomorrow...
Friday, March 7, 2008
Please go on an upDate with me?
It feels like it's been awhile! I'm only a weekend and a loooong Monday away from my fabulous vacation in Arizona for a week! Totally exciting!! The wee hours of this morning, however, were not exciting. I had THEE worst dream about the trip...one of your classic trying to pack, trying to get to the airport, and it all failing miserably dreams. We were SUPER late and I forgot my purse at home, so I had to have Mandsi go and get it. She was all frantic and getting lost, but finally made it, only with some other random purse (claaaassic). I mean looking back, the events weren't really that bad, and I'm sure I would've handled them much calmer in real life, but you know how dreams are. I even woke up with a start and had to calm down for a few minutes to convince myself it was 'only a dream'. I blame it on Lost...it definitely had a Lost vibe. Only LAST Friday morning I had a LOVELY dream about Daniel Faraday ;)
Well, a new month is upon us, so on to the update!
#45 Recipes:
For my last Feb recipe, I made this wonderful chicken dish: chicken breasts covered with chopped portobellos, muenster cheese, and chicken stock baked for about 40 mins. I served it with some easy 90 second Uncle Ben's chicken rice and the whole thing was totally on point!
For my first March recipe, last night I made cauliflower "mashed potatoes"...mashed cauliflower essentially :) I didn't have a recipe, but have seen Rachael Ray make them, so I threw together the basic ingredients: boil cauliflower in 3cups chicken broth for 8mins or so until soft. Drain most of the broth, and smash cauliflower with a fork. In another pan, melt butter and sauté a couple garlic cloves...add smashed cauliflower, a tsp of dijon mustard, pepper, dill, and any kind of melty cheese. Stir all together and top with green onions. YUM!!! It was actually a lot better than I expected! And of course a nice healthy alternative to regular mashed tatos!
#50 - My atypical produce item this month will be rutabagas! I've never had them before, so this will be interesting. I found a recipe in my Women's Health so I'm down.
#51 - The sweet bakery give-up from Feb was brutal! But on March 1st at Maggiano's, I indulged in some tiramisu as well as some pound cake covered with hot fudge and sautéed bananas! I also got to have Oreos finally as everyone decided to wave them in front of me all month! ;) And finally, my bestest friend Monica sent me a COOKIE bouquet themed "Thanks a Latté!" So even though I still can't have coffee, I can enjoy a coffee mug shaped cookie ;) Anyway, March's give-up will be chips. I needed something super easy with being on vacay for a week and everything. One of these months, I'm seriously considering giving up meat for a month for kicks! It'll be hard and I know I'll crave meat (that's what she said) like nobody's biz ...but I gotta try it! Plus I have like two dozen veggie recipes in a recent Women's Health that all look really good.
#64 - On the aforementioned trip to AZ, I have the chance to go to the Grand Canyon. WILL it happen??? I just don't know. Fingers crossed!!
#68 - My feeding frenzy for March is definitely the dinner at Maggiano's where not only did I indulge in tiramisu and pound cake, but I also ingested chopped salad, fried zucchini, stuffed mushrooms, gnocchi, four cheese ravioli, garlic mashed potatoes, buttery asparagus, chicken parm, and chicken saltimbocca. Oh...my...god. I thought I was going to explode. Only in America folks. Needless to say, I worked out a lot this week ;)
#87 - new band...that's a big ol' question mark. So in it's place I'm going to put the website Pandora Radio. Just type in any band or artist your little heart desires and they give you an entire "radio station" of similar bands and artists. Registration is free! It's a great way to listen to your old faves and discover new ones!
#95 - I have 30 pages left in A Tale of Two Cities which I will finish this weekend for sure! (The last 100pgs have been fabulous by the way! I can't wait to finish!) Next on the docket is On a Pale Horse by Piers Anthony: the book John gave me for Christmas! I'm going to read on the plane and such :)
And that's that! A good weekend to all and I'll HOPEFULLY chat again on the other side of my vacation!
Well, a new month is upon us, so on to the update!
#45 Recipes:
For my last Feb recipe, I made this wonderful chicken dish: chicken breasts covered with chopped portobellos, muenster cheese, and chicken stock baked for about 40 mins. I served it with some easy 90 second Uncle Ben's chicken rice and the whole thing was totally on point!
For my first March recipe, last night I made cauliflower "mashed potatoes"...mashed cauliflower essentially :) I didn't have a recipe, but have seen Rachael Ray make them, so I threw together the basic ingredients: boil cauliflower in 3cups chicken broth for 8mins or so until soft. Drain most of the broth, and smash cauliflower with a fork. In another pan, melt butter and sauté a couple garlic cloves...add smashed cauliflower, a tsp of dijon mustard, pepper, dill, and any kind of melty cheese. Stir all together and top with green onions. YUM!!! It was actually a lot better than I expected! And of course a nice healthy alternative to regular mashed tatos!
#50 - My atypical produce item this month will be rutabagas! I've never had them before, so this will be interesting. I found a recipe in my Women's Health so I'm down.
#51 - The sweet bakery give-up from Feb was brutal! But on March 1st at Maggiano's, I indulged in some tiramisu as well as some pound cake covered with hot fudge and sautéed bananas! I also got to have Oreos finally as everyone decided to wave them in front of me all month! ;) And finally, my bestest friend Monica sent me a COOKIE bouquet themed "Thanks a Latté!" So even though I still can't have coffee, I can enjoy a coffee mug shaped cookie ;) Anyway, March's give-up will be chips. I needed something super easy with being on vacay for a week and everything. One of these months, I'm seriously considering giving up meat for a month for kicks! It'll be hard and I know I'll crave meat (that's what she said) like nobody's biz ...but I gotta try it! Plus I have like two dozen veggie recipes in a recent Women's Health that all look really good.
#64 - On the aforementioned trip to AZ, I have the chance to go to the Grand Canyon. WILL it happen??? I just don't know. Fingers crossed!!
#68 - My feeding frenzy for March is definitely the dinner at Maggiano's where not only did I indulge in tiramisu and pound cake, but I also ingested chopped salad, fried zucchini, stuffed mushrooms, gnocchi, four cheese ravioli, garlic mashed potatoes, buttery asparagus, chicken parm, and chicken saltimbocca. Oh...my...god. I thought I was going to explode. Only in America folks. Needless to say, I worked out a lot this week ;)
#87 - new band...that's a big ol' question mark. So in it's place I'm going to put the website Pandora Radio. Just type in any band or artist your little heart desires and they give you an entire "radio station" of similar bands and artists. Registration is free! It's a great way to listen to your old faves and discover new ones!
#95 - I have 30 pages left in A Tale of Two Cities which I will finish this weekend for sure! (The last 100pgs have been fabulous by the way! I can't wait to finish!) Next on the docket is On a Pale Horse by Piers Anthony: the book John gave me for Christmas! I'm going to read on the plane and such :)
And that's that! A good weekend to all and I'll HOPEFULLY chat again on the other side of my vacation!
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