You only know the light, when you've spent a little time in the dark

So I didn't want to use this blog for my deepest and darkest emotions, but desperate times call for desperate measures? Perhaps you were able to tell from my last post that my world was on shaky ground. And now knowing that John was my entire world at the time...well, that makes it all that much shakier.

John broke up with me a couple Fridays ago...two days after Valentine's Day...one day after I had written my last post about getting up early and standing in the cold, so that I could sneak into his place and delivery a special Valentine's treat. Speaking of Valentine's Day, I hear that it's a popular breakup time of year! Well, I was one of the lucky ones I guess.

I felt completely devastated. No, devastated doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I felt devastated, humiliated, betrayed, and completely and utterly alone.

Alone, that is, until my sister took over. In a haze at his place, I had thrown all my belongings into a large plastic Target bag as tears streamed down my face and he distantly said things I don't really remember. He dropped me off and we exchanged pathetic "see ya's" as I closed Little Black Car's door for possibly the last time. I dragged myself into my apartment, dropped everything, and sobbed all of John's ridiculous nonsense to my wonderful sister who just sat there and listened despite her boiling rage toward him. Eventually I went to bed, woke up the next morning with a screaming headache, and realized that, no, it was not a dream.

For the next two days, my completely fabulous family put my shattered world back together. They helped me realize that John was NOT my whole world. That I had so much more just waiting for me to grab on to. And ever so slowly, I started to believe them.

Monday morning, as I began to feel a little better, my mom called my cell and sadly uttered the words: "Grandma died this morning." I broke down once again, but not because my grandma died...she had been sick for the past year and is now in a much much better place. But rather because life is completely ridiculous. Four years ago, after six months of looking, I had yet to find a job post-college. That fall, I got into an accident where I severely damaged my best friend's husband's ATV and paid for it despite my obviously low funds. Four days later I totaled the car my parents handed down to me for college graduation. Meanwhile we put to sleep my very most favorite and dearly loved cat of nearly 20 years. Then the day before Thanksgiving, my father commit suicide...and this lead to a nearly year long bitter legal issue between his partner and my sister and I over my dad's life insurance policy. Where am I going with this? I'm not really sure, I just wanted to point out how ridiculous life is. And while in no way does my current situation even compare to how awful life was four years ago, it reminded me of pain. And how lucky I had been to avoid that kind of pain for nearly a half a decade. I will say that when John said those fateful words: "I'm breaking up with you"...it did remind me of the morning my mom told me about my dad. Like everything coming unhinged.

The positive spin here is that over the next week, I was able to help my mom out with my grandma's funeral arrangements to the best of my ability. I was able to give back to her a fraction of what she gave me that horrible weekend where I seriously thought my soul had died. It felt wonderful to be there for her as she was there for me, holding my hand and telling me exactly how I would feel over the next few days and weeks (and boy has she been spot on thus far!). And yet, even though her own mom had just passed away, she continued to be there for me in my struggle. One minute I'm on top of it all, totally confident that I am my own person and that I don't need John in my life...but the next minute, everything feels like it's crumbling around me and I don't know how I'll ever be able to move on from it all. But my mom is there. And so is my sister...the most patient person for whom I could ask. And so are all my dear friends, who have offered so much diverse advice, but have also been there to simply lend an ear and a shoulder. To them I am eternally grateful...without them, I'd be so lost.

And now I'm here. I have officially spent two days here at work with John ten feet from me. The first day was awful. He was happy and all over the place...it was seriously hell. I felt so crushed like the past year and a half was meaningless...that I meant absolutely nothing to him and that every single thing I had ever done for him (and man almighty there was a lot back there) was me pouring my heart into a sieve. All the feelings I had faced came flooding back: all of our memories together, the songs we shared, his hilarious and awesome family with whom I became friends, his daughter who I had started to love just as much as him, our now defunct trip to Arizona in two weeks, all the gifts we had given each other, all of the mementos I had saved....all meaningless. I cried in the stairwell for awhile until I decided to take my patheticness home for the day where I cried some more. But over the next three day weekend, I listened to more advice, I went to my grandma's funeral, I tried to be inspired and lifted by good things surrounding me, and I picked myself back up once again. Today was the second day I spent ten feet away from him and it was good. Very good. I felt liberated from a lot of the torment from the past week. I see a light at the end of the tunnel...a light I would never have been able to see if I hadn't spent some time in the dark.

And on that note, this light is me. Me and all my potential. Which brings me to this blog and my list. Obviously there is a good chunk of my 101 Things list that involves John. And you know, the dark thought DID occur to me whilst making said list: what if we break up? Well that bridge is here and it is time to cross. I will come up with new amendments to my list. There are about twenty or so that I need to fix or completely delete and redevelop. I will tackle that action in a few days. I need some new ideas and it'll help me tremendously to focus on them, on me, for awhile. I do have potential. I had potential with John, but I have it just as much without him too. And now I see that.

keepin it cuban

4/4 - Note: all of the numbering prior to and including this entry is off because I changed my list. Carry on!

A few more updates! Life has been topsy turvey lately, but my list is keeping me sane I guess... Oh and please try not to gag at this first one! ;)

#16 Surprise John (1/33)
A little ironic considering my week, but I surprised...or at least tried to surprise John yesterday for Valentine's Day. I bought a red shadow box and put a bunch of mementos and a couple photos of us inside with pushpins (totally stole this idea from HIS last years' Vday gift to ME!!) Then I taped lyrics to "our songs" along the frame of the box. I also got a red retro vase a put a red, orange, and purple rose inside (kinda representing me, him and Grace). I wrapped the shadowbox in a Captain America tshirt I got from Target. I followed my "hand made cards" task and made a Valentine's card for him too. AAAANYWAY, that morning I walked over to his condo building and like a flipping STALKER, waited for a car to drive out of the garage so I could "sneak in". Ahhh it would be so much easier to surprise him if I had a key.... ;) I quietly left the package and flowers by his door and ran out and off to work. When he got to work, he said that he found the gifts, and read the card, but didn't open the bag because he was rushing out the door. I was a little bummed, but oh well. He had a present for later. I think he liked it all? Not sure if he was "surprised" per se?

#29 Ten new restaurants (1/10)
Last night I did Vday with the ladies and had dinner at Cubanitas on Milwaukee St. OhmyFABULOUS!!! In case you're curious, their specialty, the Cuban Sandwich, is roast pork, sliced ham, swiss cheese, mustard, and a thin dill pickle pressed on Cuban bread (flown in!) so it’s all melty and gooey...man almighty I want to DIE just thinking about it! With it I got sweet plantains...equally as to die for. Seriously. I also had a mojito...I'd be a fool not to! They definitely have the best mojitos in the city. With Cheesecake Factory at a close second interestingly enough... So my first restaurant out of ten, I give an A+! I can't wait to go back for that sandwich. Also, I wanted to try one of my friends' fried plantains, but because of my fried food ban this month, I refrained. Next time though!

#44 & 45 Four new recipes (3/4) and (1/50) recipes from Christmas Cookbooks
I made a Chicken and Orzo recipe from Rachael Ray's "Comfort Foods" book. I know I just gushed about food, but man, this dish was fab too! Diced chicken, garlic and onion, chicken stock, fresh thyme and orzo basically simmering in a pot for 20 minutes...then you had a ton of an Italian shredded cheese mix and black pepper. So wonderful and totally the epitome of comfort food, which I needed this week :)

Fifteen minutes till I'm OUTTA here...and I'm starving of course!

Onwards and Upwards

After the emotionally draining evening I just had, where I feel like my entire life is turned upside down and I don't even know where I'm going anymore, I guess the one place I still have control over is my own life. I mean me as an individual. Relatively speaking. Ok even that feels like it's been torn into a million jagged pieces. In any case, I'll cut the drama down a touch and just get to the 101 Things UPDATE! Perhaps I'll feel a bit better...

#41 Nasonex
I shall hopefully BEE doin better with my tasting problem in a week! I asked my doc about it yesterday at my physical and he was all about giving me two free samples. Sweet. I seriously hope to BEE able to drink red wine again...love that buzz...ha ha? lame.

#43 Chicken Pox Vaccine
I also asked the doc about whether or not I should get this vaccine...he suggested that when I go in to get my cholesterol checked, I should get this checked out as well...I mean check to see if I've actually had a mild case of the chicken pox (as far as I know, I haven't??) That biznass is next Monday...good stuff.

#44 New recipes! (2/4 for the month)
I made this SCRUMPTIOUS red cabbage and kielbasa "stoup" recipe I found in Rachael Ray's magazine the other day...fantastic!
I also made buffalo chicken dip for my parents' Super Bowl party...HUGE hit...especially when I brought the leftovers into work the following week. Tonight is a chicken and orzo recipe from one of my Christmas cookbooks, so that'll take care of #45.

#54 Aspirin mask
The aspirin and moisturizing lotion has been purchased...BOGO aspirin at Walgreens helped tremendously!

#58 Plastic bins
Went to Target this weekend and bought three large but shallow plastic bins...I came home and WENT TO TOWN on organizing my room. It looks fab now! Plastic bins reside neatly under my bed. And I only have two cardboard boxes left...one containing my dufflebag (kinda random) and the second holding my photos which will be put into albums eventually anyway.

#59 Birthday cards
I also bought some nice scrapbooking paper at Target to construct these future home made birthday cards. I have three coming up in end of Feb/March so better get crackin on that.

#83 Concepts
A few weekends ago, I came in on Saturday to work on some new biz concepts. I actually had a ton of fun making them too! No word yet on whether this account is ours, but hopefully our production work is helping to persuade them ;) And speaking of concepts, we have a meeting in about twenty minutes and while you won't be able to notice my absence from this blog between now and when I start #90 below, just try to imagine!

#90 Gratitude o' the Day
I'm definitely keeping up with the gratitude a day plan. It's nice to survey my day right before I go to bed and try to weed out all of the negative to find that glimmer that made my day ;) ESPECIALLY on those really rough days.


And that's that! Keepin me busy that's for sure. As for the curve ball life threw me these past 24 hours plus, I once told several people about my current Life Motto...no, not 'The sweet ain't as sweet without the sour," although that applies here too...but rather "Occasionally you'll have to take a step backward in order to go forward." Like taking a crappy job in order to save money to go to school. Stuff of that nature. Well maybe it applies to relationships too. Maybe you do have to slow down in order to move ahead. It never makes sense now, but hindsight is 20/20 right? Ok I am officially done with metaphors, euphemisms and clichés for the day. Until next time!

It's Official!!

February 1st. Today marks that magical first day of my 2.75 year journey to a more, um...participatory...lifestyle. So to begin, I'll mention a few items I have in the works. Is that cheating?
10. Photograph neighborhood in all four seasons...
When it snowed a couple weekends ago, I definitely took advantage of the gorgeousness. I think I've decided to take various seasonal photos this year and then take another set next year to compare...maybe I'll get better ;) The Winter Album so far...
49. Atypical fruit or veggie...
How about zucchini...I can make some orzo zucchini recipe one of these days
50. Cut out "guilty pleasure food"...
Aaaaaaand....fried food. We'll start out with an easy decision.
56/58. Clean/organize apartment...
I'm well under way on this project...I've gotta buy plastic bins and whatnot, but I won't bore you with any more details here.
60. Projects list...
I started doing this at Barnes the other day. I have to take another look at everything to really have a solid schedule in mind.
83. Work concepts..
I've been all over this bad boy for the last week! I worked on both sets of 'new biz' concept opportunities offered to our group this week. Good stuff!!
85. "New-to-me" band
I did this yesterday as well, boo. But MAYBE it doesn't count because I haven't received the cd(s) in the mail yet. Will update when that happens.

Voila! This is fun! For me to do...probably not for you to read. Until next time!