I got on the plane and went through a wormhole

No seriously I did! I sat in the PHX airport...had a conversation...and while I didn't crash on a mysterious island like my Lost pals, I did go through some kind of time glitch and I landed back in March of 2007...only they're telling me it's 2008. Two words: I'm Desmond.

I read my February 07 post and I must say that I am not feeling like I did then thank all that is holy. My heart is heavy and I'm sad, but I'm not shocked or abandoned. For one year, I gave John's and my relationship a shot. He did some crazy convincing, but come April I was hooked and decided to give it another go. Tomorrow April is once more upon us. In 2007 I had two paths from which to choose. I chose one...made a ginormous loop...and this weekend I came to the exact same crossroads. Now I must choose the other path that life offered to me at the time. Hence my sneaking suspicion that I'm repeating 2007 over again ;)

At first, when I sensed the crumbling of the relationship, my initial thoughts were blazing anger that this was happening to me all over again. Like I was tricked. I've said this to way too many people way too many times, but: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I thought I was the biggest idiot in the world for falling for the big rouse. BUT! After the dust has settled, I realized that John was right that awful February 16th a year ago: "We want different things." If only he had stuck to his guns back then ;) We do indeed. And the more I thought about it, the more I knew my answer. Many people are going to say I gave John an ultimatum. And I did. No I didn't tell him Marry Me Or Else. I told him to get help. Commitment-phobia is a real thing and the trouble with this world is that a lot of people don't take it seriously, and it happens time and time again...hearts breaking all over the place simply because someone wasn't honest with themselves.

And speaking of honesty, the one thing I do thank John for is being honest once I finally confronted him. I hope to thank him personally one day. Many commitment-phobes force themselves into a relationship they are afraid of and pay the consequences later. The fact that John stood by his decision to "not get help" made the next step easy for me. Almost as if it were the best decision I "never" made. Now, yes, I did know about this commitment-phobia of John's a year ago. And it was the very reason I told him we were NOT going to get back together...I knew he wouldn't change. I read a whole book on the subject and it was clear as crystal. But he puts on a good show, and I loved him, and I wanted to be happy too (I was feeling a little miserable without him at the time). And at the end of the day, everyone deserves a second shot. It's the "third shot" that gets messy. Then I'm just a glutton for punishment. Which brings us to March 2008, my OWN second shot at my OWN happiness. For now I can start over, figure out what I honestly want out of life and out of a life mate! I never mind sacrificing here and there (ok I AM a glutton for punishment!), but I now see that there is a fine line between compromising WITH someone and sacrificing FOR someone. And in my case the smoking, not being able to have a child, or even a cat, of my own, and finally the probability of no marriage either...my fate is no longer sealed.

To conclude, I know I'm going to have some really rough days ahead of me. It will be hard to let go of nearly three years of memories and my first and only true love. During those rough moments, however, I have to remember The Bike. Once upon a time John bought a bike from Craigslist with the intention of fixing it up. Much like a bunch of John's past and defunct dream hobbies (skateboarding, geo-caching, flipping houses in Arizona), I was skeptical. Sure enough, I found out recently that he threw the bike away. All he had done was take off a bunch of the parts. I don't want to be one of John's hobbies that collects dust on the shelf. And if I had just sat back, been "content" with a stagnant relationship, that's what would've happened. And hey, like I said in my last post, I don't mean to write myself a symphony, but I do NOT deserve to sit on some shelf collecting dust!

Time DOES heal all wounds (thank you April 07), and with that said, I look forward to taking the other path now. I hope John does too...he also stands to be much happier!

Now let's hope this time NEXT year is completely different!